Don't think that I'm trying to be a dick here. I like animation... good animation, that is. But some people have a hard time realizing that some of their favourite cartoons are, in fact, crap. The following list is a cold shower on ten animated films, revered by many as childhood staples, that just didn't do it for me.
10. Akira (1988)
The anime diehards will hate me for including this one. It's not that I don't appreciate the cultural significance of this surreal fantasy – in fact, it has a number of qualities I greatly admire, none more so than the grimy artistic design of the lived-in future that is Neo-Tokyo – however, I just find Akira a real slog to sit through. The violence and action just keep escalating to a point where they drown out the nuances of the story, and I eventually start checking my watch.
9. Balto (1995)
What bothers me mostly about this unfortunate dud is that the story itself is kinda awesome. The account of how sled dogs boldly defied treacherous weather, terrain, and distances to deliver medicine needed to battle a diphtheria outbreak in Nome, Alaska in 1925 is inspiring enough, but it deserved a better treatment than it got here. Needless slapstick asides mar the dramatic clout it could have had. I'd have loved to see this done a la Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron, whereby the animals don't talk.
8. A Troll in Central Park (1994)
Fair warning to all Don Bluth fans: this is just one of multiple productions of his that appear on this list. Maybe when I was a kid I didn't like it because seeing flowers with faces just freaked me out. When I revisited it as an adult, I realized that the anthropomorphic plants were the least of this film's problems. The songs sound a lot more like muzak with words, and you can also file this under the “annoying-brats-make-the-movie-damn-near-unbearable-to-watch” category.
7. Despicable Me (2010)
The humour was clearly custom designed for kids and kids alone in this lazily written pablum. I shudder to imagine how close it may have come to an Oscar nomination if there had been five slots open last year. None of the characters are fully realized or relatable. The only empathy I could feel for underachieving super villain Gru is that those three overbearingly adorable brats got on my nerves just as much as they did his. This was just too childish and “FLUFFY!!!” to win me over.
6. Titan A.E. (2000)
It always strikes me as such a shame that there aren't more strong animated science-fictions out there (rare masterpieces like WALL-E notwithstanding). Animation, being a particularly visual medium, offers endless possibilities for compelling sci-fi imagery, but without an equally compelling story to match, of what use are inventive visuals? Titan AE's muddled pace and flimsy characterizations (both of which are Don Bluth trademarks) diminish its graphic creativity.
5. The Rescuers/The Rescuers Down Under (1977/90)
I'm killing two mice with one stone with this entry, as I am equally disdainful of both Rescuer movies. The 1977 original had such a Saturday morning cartoon vibe to it. Why the studio felt the need to sequelize it is beyond me. They learned their lesson though: Down Under bombed at the box office and they never released a theatrical sequel again. So we can also blame this franchise for the advent of the shitty direct-to-video sequels which Disney has been using to rape our childhoods ever since.
4. Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest (1992)
Whenever the environmental message isn't beating us on the head, it's sidelined by poorly resolved subplots. I also find it ironic that it came out the same year Robin Williams made such hysterical waves in Aladdin – a sober reminder that listening to him go batty through the guise of some animated character, as was the case with his frenetic fruit bat here, isn't necessarily gonna be funny. If you wanna educate kids on the perils of deforestation, have them read The Lorax instead of watching this.
3. Oliver & Company (1988)
This twist on Oliver (pun intended – sorry) isn't even residually charming to me for its dated time capsule depiction of Manhattan in the 80s. Even as a kid, I just wasn't that taken with the characters. Not even Dodger, and I'm as passionate a Billy Joel fan as they come. At least they gave him one half-decent song, not that I could say the same for the other numbers. They also make some questionable stretches to connect this narrative to Dickens' original story. That's the detail stickler in me talking.
2. The Black Cauldron (1985)
As badly as I responded to Oliver & Co., I feel that it's this slightly older (and even more regrettable) entry in the Disney canon that is the epitomizing culmination of the twenty years of crap that preceded it. This grotesque swords-and-sorcery quest starts out as merely dull, but then the characters start getting on my nerves, and I pray for it become merely dull again! Worst of all is Gurgy, who could be the illegitimate spawn of Gollum, Mogwai, and JarJar Binks (don't ask me how that works).
1. All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989)
Don Bluth scores a hattrick on this list and it's no coincidence. His style just really grates me.
No sense of timing, awkward scene transitions, no sense of timing, poorly executed character development, no sense of timing, and in the case of this list-topping dog turd of a film, you can include off-putting randomness; Seriously, where the hell did that singing gator come from? The whole premise of scene construction (ie: beginning, middle, end) completely eludes him. Maybe all dogs do go to heaven, but I won't bother to tell you where I think this film can go. Did I mention no sense of timing?
