Sunday Top Ten: Leslie Nielsen line readings

I thought about doing this list after Leslie Nielsen's passing last November, but as the Oscar season was just getting started, I never got to it. Today I honour his wonderful career by highlighting my ten favourite line readings of his. I was hoping to work in something from Forbidden Planet, but nothing really stood out. Unsurprisingly, Airplane and the Naked Gun movies are healthily represented.



10.
-“This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.”
-“A hospital? What is it?”
-“It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.”
--Airplane!

This joke is made three time in the movie Airplane, but thanks to Nielsen's effortless sense of rhythm, it still manages to catch the audience by surprise even though we have no excuse for not seeing the punchline coming.

9.
“I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader!”
--The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear

I can never decide which is funnier: Frank Drebin's outrageous public declaration of such an obvious innuendo, or his facial reaction to suddenly realizing how poorly worded his taunt was.

8.
“Oh my God.”
--The Poseidon Adventure

You could call this the black sheep of the list, as it's a decidedly unfunny/unremarkable line from a decidedly unfunny movie, but effectively delivered. The voice of dread creeping past the captain's straight face primes the audience for the harrowing capsize sequence.

7.
“Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.”
--The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad

Oh, Frank Drebbin! You may need to work on your sense of timing. Leslie Nielsen's sense of timing, on the other hand, is top of the line. You couldn't just deliver this line any random way and have it be funny, but Nielsen's inflection is perfect.

6.
-“That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.”
-“Sex, Frank?”
-“Uh, no, not right now, Ed.”
--The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear

Ba-dum tsssh! Credit George Kennedy's delivery of the set-up, serving as a perfect alley-oop pass for Nielsen's slam dunk of a punchline. This sort of shtick is typical of the comic rhythm the two shared for all the Naked Gun movies.

5.
“Now, listen. I'm going out that door and where I'm going, you can't follow me. And I'm not trying to be noble. But baby, out there it's a hill of beans. Here's looking at you, kid. You're the stuff beans are made of.”
--Wrongfully Accused

This line was clearly designed to riff off of the Humphrey Bogart personality that Nielsen brought to nearly every role he ever played by stuffing in as many Bogart-esque cliches as they could. Nielsen milks it so well he's practically bigger than Bogie!

4.
-“It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.”
-“Goodyear?”
-“No, the worst.”
--The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad

As though Frank's drawn out summary of the “same old story” isn't tickling enough, we get that groan-inducing pun (set up nicely by Priscilla Presley) to cap it all off. Of course, Nielsen is a pro at making groan-inducing puns work, so it's all good.

3.
-"Surely you can't be serious?"
-“I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.”
--Airplane!

This is the line most people associate with Neilsen and his career in comedy. The joke itself is iconic, but the severity of Neilsen's tone is what makes it funny within the context of the film. Nary a wink to the camera, which would otherwise have undercut the gag.

2.
“I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.”
--The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear

No one could do internal monologue quite like Leslie Nielsen. This voiceover line reading gets me smiling even before that 'cheese sandwich' line. The final remark (which makes an hysterical juxtaposition when read in his hard-boiled detective voice) kills me every time.

1.
“I just want to tell you both, good luck. We're all counting on you.”
--Airplane!

He has to repeat this line two additional times during and after the film's hysterical climax. It get's funnier each time (an exemplar of the comic rule of three) because his delivery is exactly the same in every detail all three times. This nonsensical bit never fails to put me in stitches!